Diary of a Bad, Bad Bookkeeper: Men Suck!

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Dear Diary,

Today was another, “Not so great day”…but this time it was one for the books.

Today, when I went to work, I wasn’t feeling so hot.  In fact, I ended up puking into my office trash can just as the boss walked in.

Betty Bookkeeper Headshot“Hey,” he says to me, looking concerned.  “You’re sick?  You shouldn’t be here if you’re sick.  Go home!”

“She was sick yesterday too,” the traitor receptionist chimed in from behind him.  “She’s been sick for a while.”

“Have you been to a doctor?” the boss asked me.

“No.  I don’t need to go to the doctor, okay!”  I snapped.  “I’m fine.”

“You’re three shades of green,” he countered.  “You should definitely go home.  You may have the flu.  Or even worse, food poisoning.  In fact, I insist you go home until you get better.”

The receptionist gave me a triumphant smile from over his shoulder.  The witch never liked me.

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“I won’t get better for another eight months, alright!” I bit out, my eyes narrowing at her.

The receptionist’s eyes widened.  She understood right away.

My boss didn’t get it, of course.  He never does.  “Why do you say that?  What happens in eight months?”

“That’s when she has a baby,” the receptionist chimed in.

The boss’s eyes widened, his expression immediately going to my still-flat belly.  “You’re pregnant?”

“Yes, I am,” I growled.  And I don’t know who the father is, I silently added.  It was either my husband (who would be over the moon if he thought I was pregnant), or Ernie (the employee who had blackmailed me into looking the other way while he stole from the company…let’s just say that things have progressed between us).  If it’s Ernie’s baby…well, he’d probably be thrilled too.

Men Suck!

“That’s fantastic!” the boss said.

You suck too!

His expression changed as he looked at me though.  I could see the exact moment when he realized this was going to affect my place in the company sometime in the near future.

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Heading him off, I said, “But you don’t need to worry about me missing any work.  I’m not much of a stay-at-home mom.  I won’t need more than a few days off from work when the time comes.”

His face twisted.  “Are you kidding?  That’s a very important time in a child’s life.  It’s when they bond with their child.  You’ll want more than a few days off of work.”

“You forget…I have two children already.  There’s no way on Earth I want to spend any more time with a child.  Trust me.  I’ll be back for work fairly quickly.”

“Oh don’t be foolish,” the receptionist chimed in.  “You’ll definitely want time off.  And I know just the place to call to get a temp in here.”

Did I mention I hate the receptionist?

“That sounds like a good idea,” the boss said, smiling at her like she was brilliant.  “Why don’t you call them and see how much they cost.”  Turning back to me, he says, “And you don’t worry about anything, Betty.  When the time comes, you’re job will be here.  We love having you here.  You take all the time you need to bond with your baby.  In the meantime, can I get you something?  Are you hungry?”

I could feel my teeth grinding.  “I’m fine.”

“Well then, I guess I’ll let you get back to work.  You take it easy.  And don’t worry about the trash.  I’ll send Ernie in to empty that for you.”

Then the boss left, shuffling the receptionist off with him.

So now I’m freaking out.  Time off?   I can’t take time off.  What if someone catches onto what I’m doing?  What if the next bookkeeper is better than me?  What am I going to do?

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A Warning Sign

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While this article is a bit more of a dramatization then I usually go for, there is a point here.  The point is, this is a warning sign:

Whenever a bookkeeper doesn’t want to take a vacation, maternity leave, or even call in sick…it could be a warning sign.

You see…good bookkeepers aren’t worried about people going through their offices, whether other staff or other bookkeepers.  Good bookkeepers make themselves replaceable at all times (in my opinion).  The best bookkeepers have nothing to hide or fear.

Embezzling bookkeepers, on the other hand, fear anyone going through their paperwork, their computer files, and sometimes even their filing cabinets.  They fear being caught all the time.  Taking time off for maternity leave or going on vacation is often when they get caught.  Instead, they spend as much time in the office as they can, protecting the terrible things they’ve done, as well as their secrets.

How to Know For Sure

As always, if you are concerned that your bookkeeper is embezzling from you, hire someone to look more closely at your books.  Accountants do not do this unless asked.  Virtual Bookkeepers or Independent Bookkeepers are an excellent source for looking for fraudulent activity.

Start by getting a backup of your bookkeeping program when your bookkeeper is not around, and send it to the hired auditor.  Also get copies of your bank statements.  These two things will help them get started looking for embezzlement.  From there, they will either ask for copies of suspicious checks, credit card statements, receipts…and any number of things.

The key is…if you suspect, don’t site blindly by.  Take this as a warning sign and ask someone for help.  It’s better to spend a few hundred dollars hiring an auditor then to lose thousands and thousands to an embezzler.

Originally posted 2010-11-10 16:34:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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9 Responses to Diary of a Bad, Bad Bookkeeper: Men Suck!

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  6. Josh says:

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